{the one before} Mar. 25, 2009 {the most recent one}

1:22 p.m.

Well, I wrote an entry a few nights ago about more thoughts I was having about the cleanse. I woke up Monday shaky and lite headed. I tried to work through it but in the evening I ended up at Whole Foods. I bought some raw food for later in the week and some fresh carrot/orange juice with a shot of protein powder. I drank 8 oz of it right then and saved the other 8 oz for the next morning. I also started drinking some probiotic drinks (one yesterday and one today). I had some organic watermelon and some organic mixed lettuce with organic lemon juice on it. All in all - though I didn't make it the 10 days - I still feel very cleansed. I sat with friends last night for a chill out night. They ate an awesome smelling meal and had 2 of my favorite appetizers out (hummus and havarti cheese) but I didn't have any of it. I'm trying trying trying to make it to Sunday with only organics. I've started counting my calories again (as of yesterday) and even though I'm still eating under (since I'm still doing some of the fast) I want to get in the habit of putting the calories down, following what I eat closely and really making changes to eat smaller portions, drink more water, continue losing weight and keep it off. I've discovered if I can get the weight off and hold steady for a year, I can stay close to that weight. I went from 225 to 190 and stayed. Then from 190 to 175 and stayed +/- 5 lbs of that other than my freak spring when I broke my ankle and ended up down at 155. I didn't hold that and got right back up to 175 by the following winter. So, this time when I get to 155, I'm going to remain happy there for a year or so or longer and try to make that the weight my body wants to be at. The weight it's comfortable at and then my eating habits will follow. Now....I just gotta work on toning back up.

Again - I must keep reminding myself: if I can sit in a house with two of my favorite foods sitting out on the counter and the smells of yumminess flowing throughout and NOT eat....I can get through any moment that usually sees me stuffing food down my throat.

9:07 p.m.

I haven't been on here in almost 4 years. I didn't even go read the old entries. I just needed someplace else...with all these "social networking" sites all over the place there is just too much info out there. I can't remember but I don't think anyone I know in real life knows about this. Even so - after this many years I bet they forgot.

So, the reason I need a place to write: I'm currently in the middle of a master cleanse and I need a place to document. It's Saturday night and I began on Tuesday but starting the 3 day lead up. On Tuesday I had the lemonade all day and then one meal. Wednesday I had the lemonade all day and then fruit for dinner. Thursday - Today (Saturday) just the lemonade. I hear tomorrow or Monday I'll reach a sort of "zen state". I don't know about all that. Right now I'm just hungry. Work was stressful the last 2 days. I work in theatre and we didn't do our show due to "technical issues". The good thing about work is it takes my mind off the hunger. I would be in the middle of the show right now. Instead, I'm drinking water and trying to fill up. Meanwhile there are chicken wings dangerously close. The good thing is that they would likely make me sick were I to eat them. That's keeping me off of them. It's weird though - I'm literally FINE all day long and then evening rolls around and I'm soooo hungry. I've been watching you tube video diary's of people who did this and had great success. It's inspiring and that helps. I just want to get these toxins out of me and work toward going back to vegetarian or at least pescatarian mode. The big thing I've learned over anything else is that I don't need NEARLY the amount of food I've been gorging myself on all these years. I can survive on small amounts of food...especially if I'm surviving on lemon/maple syrup water! sheesh. I really hope that sticks with me. At restaurants I only need an appetizer - nothing bigger. The other thing I'm trying to learn is that hunger doesn't have to define me and it doesn't mean I have to eat. I can drink water. So long as I'm getting the nutrition I need, I will be fine. I needn't turn into a raging bitch when I don't eat. It's just an excuse. I can just think back to this time period and know I'll get through my hunger. I will not keel over.
Otherwise, I really feel good. I feel lighter and happier and refreshed....happy about that. And I kinda feel like I have the upper hand on food right now....like: haha food! I WIN! 34 years of struggling with food it feels good to be winning!

So, 4 years go by and I start with that.....now I'll go see if any of my old friends still write here.

10:33 p.m.

i've been wanting to write here for a long time but there's just been too much to say. Here is an email I sent to my friends and family about what I've been doing.
Where the road will take you…….has it really been a month since I flew west? Wow!
I landed in beautiful Palm Springs on Jan. 28th. I settled into a lovely room with an incredible mountain view – the sunrise and sunsets were stunning! I have a few pictures that I’ll show at a later date. We rehearsed in a small casino with a lovely staff that helped us more than any house staff has ever helped. We had a couple of days with just staff and band. The band was happy to see me but unsure of my new roll as the stage manager instead of office gal. As per my usual first day with a new cast of characters – they saw tough and in charge Amber. I’ve learned that since I look young I have to really be stern the first few days and then ease into my usual friendliness. All that aside, Mr. Man came in and we worked and worked and worked. He’s a machine! It’s amazing to watch him work through songs with the band and arrange them and pull life into them. Right before the crew took off for Vegas he invited us all over to his house for a little shin dig. Unbelievable. His home is nestled away in the side of a mountain. He has a stunning view of Palm Springs. The Italian tile work is beautiful. The heated pool made me jealous. His home recording studio with his grammy, AMA and other awards was very cozy. He has two old lab dogs that love him. His house is gorgeous and totally comfortable. He was a gracious and wonderful host. Saturday the 5th I drove with the Production Manager, Sacha, to Vegas. We had a good four hours to get to know each other and laugh and plan our work routine because there was nothing but desert to look at.

Once in Vegas we settled in as best we could. The theatre was being renovated on top of the show being built. Everything was pretty messy. I set up my little hotel room like a studio apartment and went to work. We worked through the show with all the set and fly moves several times. We added the band in and moved them around on the set. My IATSE union crew guys had no trouble doing whatever I asked of them. Everything was going swimmingly. A week later, the man arrived and we attempted to plug him in but as I said before – he is a machine. He knew exactly what he wanted and we all had to catch up to him. I felt like my brain was in over load. It felt good to be working that hard. He certainly kept me on my toes! I felt like he was calling my name out every five minutes to do something for the show or him or just to tell me something he wanted me to know. We made it through the week and put a happy star back on the plane to Palm Springs. That Saturday I stayed in my room until about one pm. I was on my way to the theatre when I ran into the director and set designer. They had passes to the star trek ride so I opted for that and a late lunch. After waiting in line for the ride we went to the buffet – closed until 5pm. So, I went to do paper work for a ½ hour and the guys went for a drink. I met the guys at 5pm and they said we were going to a british pub for dinner instead. Great. I’m starved by now! Then I get a call that line check has changed for the band (for the third time). I start calling the band and the guys ordered another round. I wasn’t drinking because I hadn’t had any food, by the way. Finally we get a cab to the pub and I ordered soup so I could eat right away. After that I had bangers and mash and ONE beer. We moved from the dinning area to the bar area and sat at a table with stools. Another round was ordered but before I even took a drink I felt weird and started to put my head down. The next thing I remember is being on the floor with everyone around me asking me questions about where I was, what day it was, etc. etc. My show director, set designer and lighting designer were with me. An ambulance was called and I was shipped away to the hospital with a severe blow to my head and shoulder. One cat scan, several xrays and a shot of morphine later they decide to keep me overnight because they can’t determine why I fainted. Another cat scan and an MRI happen and they keep me for another night because there wasn’t a doctor around to read the results. It basically came down to dehydration and exhaustion. I’ve been going none stop and I forgot – I’m in the desert. I must drink, drink, drink water. I learned a valuable lesson. The man was very concerned. But I had to just be confident and get through the show so I could believe in myself as well as have him believe in me. It was flawless! From hospital bed to headset and I called a perfect show! The next night we did the show for hotel staff and it was amazing. They loved it! We even heard it was the best show on the strip! Yahoo! At the end of the night we were all in the green room eating shrimp and drinking (except me – I had water!) when the man entered. Everyone stood and applauded him and his first gesture was to me because I “pulled it all together”. The band cheered and shouted my name and I got red faced and embarrassed. You know how I hate being singled out. It was truly a great moment in my career.

Since that night we had our star studded opening night and opening night walk down the red carpet to the big party (did you see it on ET?). Some of the celebs: Wayne Brady, Suzanne Somers, Tammy Faye Baker, Will Shatner, Kimberly Locke, Elton John (and his whole band), several musicians from shows on the strip, I hear Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson were around as well but I did see them. There were a handful of others but I just can’t remember. I didn’t hob nob much at the party because the ladies from the show dressed me up in boots like the ones they wear on stage – they were a black, knee high, zip up number with a FOUR inch heel. I don’t even wear pumps! Come on, Ladies!!! Hahahha
Anyway, yesterday I enjoyed my first full day off and today I’m enjoying my second. One more week and I get to go home for a few…..back to the cold. What?

fancyass